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English Jokes
- Doctor: '' Do you have any aches or pain?''
Patient: ''Yes doctor, it hurt dread - fully to breath. The pain i have is in my breath.''
''Well, don't worry ,'' chuckled the doctor, ''I'll give you something to stop that. - Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?'Yes, of course..''Great! I never could before!'
- Three doctors are on a duck blind and a duck flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, 'Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, it's probably a duck,' shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, 'Hamm, green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound, might be a duck,' he raises his gun to shoot but the duck is well gone. A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, bring the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, 'Go see if that was a duck,'
- A man needing a heart transplant is told be his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants that sheep's heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him, 'How are you feeling?' the man replies, 'Not BAAAAAD!"
- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you. Patient: well you might as well tell me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty four hours to live, Patient: 24 HOURS! WHAT COULD BE WORSE? what's the very bad news? Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
- A man walks into the doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his
nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. What's the matter with me?' he asks the doctor, The doctor replies 'You're not eating properly. - A guy walks into work and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss asks, 'What happened to your ears?' He says, 'Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the phone,' The boss asks, 'Well that explains one ear, what about to your other ear?' He says, "Well, jeez, i had to call the doctor!'
- Patient to the doctor, 'Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.' Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking,'
- Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade''Don't panic, I'm coming immediately, have you done anything yet?''Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.'
- Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just cant stop my hands shaking!' Did you drink a lot?' Not really - most of it spilled out!'
- On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you b^&%h". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your a^&".Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're an idiot!"
- A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that." Why not? You did it last time?"
- Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card,
i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to
Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will
Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer. - Pathan And The Ship
Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.
Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, "Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved."
All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea.
Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.
After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Pathan came forward near the railing and chanted,
"Allah-u-Akbar"
And Kicked the Indian standing next to him in the sea.
